endless, nameless.

wow. i am so so sorry that i've been so absent lately. i've been busy with finals and school stuff since last monday. but finals are over for me (A's in my only two classes). i also worked thursday, friday, saturday, sunday, and monday, so i've been recuperating. it's been a not-so-good week for me. i'm dealing with PMS, stress from family stuff, stress from work drama, and just general stress from everyone else in my life. i feel like the most frustrated person alive. i just want to be done with school. i want to find a waitressing job closer to home. i want to move back to Girard. i want people to stop being so goddamn shitty. i want to move far, far away. i want my dog to not bark at every single person so that i can take her to the park and go for walks. it really sucks that she's inside all day and it makes me feel really shitty. i thought that since winter was over, i'd be happy and act happy but i just feel like everything is bringing me down. no one, and i mean no one is reliable anymore. i want to start over somewhere else. i really want to move to wilmington, north carolina. i want to go to UNCW. i want to stop acting so stupid and needy and making myself think that joe doesn't show me enough attention because, for the most part, he does.

i want to go back to senior year. i want to make different choices. i stayed here for a boy. a stupid boy who i didn't even end up marrying. a boy who lied to me. a boy who has no drive, no meaning to his life. a boy who, to this day, probably still doesn't have a job or a license. a boy who, essentially, i ruined my GPA for. i did shitty in bio lab my sophomore year because i was so distraught over him breaking up with me. that ruined my chance to get into national honor society the next year. i could have gone away to a really great school. not that there is anything wrong with YSU, i love YSU. but i could have gone somewhere in a nice little college town. i probably could have gone to an ivy league school if i would have realized that was an option back then.

if the person i was then, met the person i am now, i'd beat the living shit out of me. 


i'm completely wasting my young years. and i hate myself for it. i have so much potential. i had so much potential and i wasted it in my first year at YSU because i was so confused over personal things. i let them get to me. i didn't go to class. i turn shit in late. i dropped classes. i completely screwed my GPA. i had a FREE RIDE to YSU and now i'm over $10,000 in debt because i screwed it all up. over what? over boys. this is a disgusting realization about myself. how did this happen to me?

i completely blame the situation from my first apartment for my being beaten into submission and giving up. i went out one day and bought $200 in groceries, forgetting that i had just paid my $400 rent the day before. stupid stupid stupid! i was over-drafted $700. the stupid bank called my house phone and my mom found out. i could have just paid off the money in $181 installments. but no. my mother insisted there was no way i could do that and keep my apartment. i was working THREE jobs at the time, mind you. i totally could have kept it. but instead we paid back the money to the bank and paid my NINE HUNDRED DOLLAR LEASE RELEASE! yeah. that totally makes more sense than just paying back the money in installments and stay put, right? WRONG. if i would have just been a little bit smarter about my apartment, my life would be completely different. i never got to be the cool independent chick i always knew i could be. i hate that. and i hate myself for it. there are so many things that i wish i'd done different. i don't regret anything, i guess. i just wish i would have done it different.

so that was ridiculous.
but i had to get it out.